[Hum}-- Purina diet

Ever have one of those days when it annoys you just to have somebody look at you in a check out line?

Well,… Yesterday was one of those days. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her “No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both”.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore!!!

[Hum}-- Multa de tráfico

—¡Alto! Se ha saltado un semáforo en rojo. Tengo que ponerle una multa. Dígame su nombre.

—Josetxu Aristeguicorteneindiaguirre de Urrutxomengasalaberría y Mendiagorrialbizu de Gurruchagagoitiaga.

—Bueno, rojo…. lo que se dice rojo,… no era: era más bien ámbar intenso. Siga, por favor.

[Hum}-- Mexican Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al,

—Do you know if any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?

Al replied,

—I don’t know,… let’s ask our waiter.

When the waiter returns, Al asked,

—Are there any Mexican Jews?

The waiter said,

—I don’t know señor, I’ll ask the cooks.

He returned from the kitchen after a few minutes and said,

—No sir, the cook said no Mexican Jews

Al isn’t satisfied and asked,

—Are you absolutely sure?

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with gringos, replied,

—I will check once again, señor!

And went back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid said,

—I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returned and said,

—Señor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews.

—Are you certain?—, Al asked again. —I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!

—SEÑOR, I asked EVERYONE—, replied the exasperated waiter. —All we have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews. Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.

[Hum}-- ¿¡Racista yo!?

ESTÁN EN UNA PLAYA ESPAÑOLA UN RUMANO, UN MORO, UN GITANO UN SUDACA Y UN ESPAÑOL. ALGUIEN LE DA UNA PATADA A UNA BOTELLA Y DE ADENTRO SALE UN GENIO QUE LES CONCEDE UN DESEO A CADA UNO, LO QUE QUIERAN.

EL RUMANO DICE:
—ME GUSTARÍA VOLVER A UNA RUMANIA RICA Y PRÓSPERA Y VIVIR FELIZ ALLÍ.

EL GENIO LO CONCEDE.

EL MORO:
—QUERRÍA REGRESAR CON MI MUJER Y MIS 19 HIJOS A UNA ÁFRICA DEMOCRÁTICA Y PRÓSPERA.

—TE SERÁ CONCEDIDO—, DICE EL GENIO.

EL GITANO:
—DESEARÍA QUE TODOS LOS GITANOS DE ESPAÑA NOS UNIÉRAMOS Y REGRESÁRAMOS A NUESTROS ORÍGENES EN CENTRO-EUROPA A LLEVAR NUESTRA VIDA DE NÓMADAS.

EL GENIO TAMBIÉN LO CONCEDE.

EL SUDAMERICANO PIDE:
—QUE TODOS LOS HISPANOAMERICANOS VUELVAN A UNA AMÉRICA RICA Y LIBRE.

EL GENIO LE DICE QUE ASÍ SERÁ.

LE TOCA AL ESPAÑOL, QUE LE DICE AL GENIO:

—ENCONES, ¿YA HAS MANDADO FUERA A LOS RUMANOS, LOS GITANOS LOS MOROS Y LOS SUDACAS?

—SÍ, ASÍ ES—, DICE EL GENIO.

—¡PUES PONME UNA CAÑA!

[Hum}-- Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

—Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch—. he said. —How much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,

—How about $50?

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would needs was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,

—Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

He responded,

—That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?

The wife replied,

—You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

—You’re finished already?—, the startled husband asked.

—Yes—, the blonde replied —, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

—And by the way—, the blonde added—, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.

[Hum}-- Diccionario subyacente: Mediana edad

Momento de la vida en que el trabajo ya no da placer, y el placer comienza a dar trabajo.

[Hum}-- La nuevas generaciones

,

[Hum}-- Please, talk to me!

A 60+ old guy, approaches a younger woman inside the mall, and he said:

—Excuse me, I can’t find my wife. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,

—Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?’

He said:

—I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.

[Hum}-- Sexo en el matrimonio judío

Moshe perdió su pene en un terrible accidente. El médico le aseguró que con la medicina moderna eso no sería un problema para su hombría. El costo sería de $3.500 para transplantar un pene pequeño, de $6.500 para uno mediano, y $14.000 para uno grande.

Moshe pensó que su esposa, y él también, querría uno por lo menos mediano, o tal vez hasta grande, pero el médico le sugirió conversarlo con su esposa antes de tomar una decisión.

Moshe llamó a su esposa por teléfono y le explicó las opciones.

Cuando el médico regresó a la habitacion, lo encontró triste y sentado en una silla mirando hacia la nada.

—Bueno—, preguntó el médico, —¿con cuál de las opciones se van a quedar?

Moshe contestó:

—Sarah dice que prefiere remodelar la cocina…

[Hum}-- The last fight

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,

—What’s on the TV?

I said,

—Dust!